My husband accused me of making Christmas about race

A devastated woman has shared the insensitive comment her husband made about her family and Christmas.

She explained in an online post, asking for help:

“I am a British-Asian woman married to a white man and currently pregnant with our first child. I need advice on a situation that is really bothering me.”

‘Only Christmas in Asia, where we just do our Asian thing’

The pregnant woman further explained:

“I suggested we do Christmas this year, but separately for our families – mainly due to logistics.

“My family is quite large (10 people), younger (mostly teenagers and twenty-somethings) and celebrates with music, games and a lively atmosphere.

“His family is small (four people), much older (60-80s), more traditional and quieter. His father has dementia and is hard of hearing, which makes large gatherings challenging for him.

“When I suggested we house our families separately to make everyone more comfortable, my husband immediately accused me of wanting an ‘Asian-only Christmas where we just do our Asian thing.’

“I was shocked because it wasn’t about the race – I was thinking about the space, the comfort levels and the very different styles of celebration.

“My sister’s boyfriend is also white, so it wasn’t about excluding someone based on race.”

Shocked by her husband’s comment, the woman shared how it made her feel.

“I ended up feeling so guilty that I changed my plans to invite his family, but I am deeply disturbed by his response and how quickly he turned a practical concern into a racial accusation.

“This is not the first time he has done something like this – any discussion involving race tends to end badly.

“I am especially worried as we are expecting a child. What if our child had heard that comment?”

“He jumped right to that conclusion”

The woman’s post received a mixed response, with one asking:

“A very strange thing to tell you. How long have you been married? Has this ever happened before?”

The mother-to-be replied: “That was my point. It really hurt me. Married for four years, in a relationship for eight. It’s the fact that he jumped right to that conclusion.”

Another, in a biracial relationship, agreed and said, “That’s really weird to say. We’re a same-race couple, but we tend to see/accommodate family about this kind of thing separately. Mainly because both sides have different traditions and preferences which are easier to accommodate separately.”

The woman also offered advice on interracial relationships in general: “I think it takes a conversation to understand why he did this about race. Maybe if your family is very close he feels jealous or left out? Not that that makes the comment its ok.

“By the way, I also think it’s common to host families separately because of logistics and honestly because people are generally more relaxed with their immediate family.”

The poster took to the comments to thank people for their advice and added:

“Honestly, I just think families are completely different and I don’t think anyone wants a forced Christmas. I’d enjoy it more separately, he wouldn’t, but that’s just preference and nothing to do with the race until he made it.

“I know his father well and he doesn’t like to be anywhere but his own surroundings – especially when there are a lot of people he won’t know, and I plan to cook mostly Indian food – I understand that maybe he’d like a roast dinner and that’s it.

“That’s why I felt separated would be better. Also, when I’m at their house for Christmas there is never music and games. So it just made sense to me.”